Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2018/02/08 under Life

Hey, my name's Ethan. As of where I am at in life right now, I cannot be happy. I want to vent, but have no ears to listen or care about my struggles, so I'll write on this website, knowing well most of you will not be interested. I'm pretty young still, so I have a family in the house I reside. I don't dare as to say this is my family or my home, because they no longer fit to bear the name. My father had got kicked out of my childhood home when I was 5, from selling drugs in my mother's room. I remember, every night after that day, I would ask my mother before bed if Dad's gonna be back soon. The only response I'd get, was a smile, and "Maybe in the morning." After about a year I realised it was a wasted effort, because nobody had heard from him, nor talked for that matter. Years of elementary weren't very fortunate for me either. I couldn't stay attended for more than 1/4 of the year, because I'd either be suspended or expelled for fighting. I'd be picked on for my adhd, ocd, bipolar disorder, and physical+vocal Tourette. The only time I would ever raise any fist, was to protect my autistic friend Jordan, my other 3 best friends (that we are still best friends to this day), or myself. The fighting, to this day, I still believe is justified, weather I'm the only one who thinks so or not. I met Jordan in the DI class, and the other 3 at recess. Me and those 3 were playing kickball, and all of us were cheating and accusing each other of doing so; trying to gain unfair advantages in the fun game. We ended up getting into an arguement (we were in like 1st grade) and all of us went into a four man free for all. After everybody, including myself, were thoroughly bruised up, the teachers came to break up the fight, but at that point we were lying in the grass laughing already. We lied there for a while, until the bell rang, and before anybody stood up, I said "Hey, you guys are cool. Wanna be friends?" Not even s***ting you, we all agreed on it and are still the best of friends to this day. To a sense. Growing up in elementary was almost 24/7 getting screamed at by my mother for being a disappointment, and later then abused from 2 different step fathers she married into. The first, was a 6"3', 250+lb ex marine, and he was the most abusive; physically and mentally. Anytime i'd get in trouble, no matter at school or home, he's punish me by whipping me with a belt, punching/choking/scratching/hurting me, isolate me in my room with no food for an extensive amount of time,cutting trees, chopping the firewood from fully grown pine tree logs, or Intensive Training that he'd learned at the marines. This repeated almost everyday from 8-13, minus maybe a month's worth of no hell. Through all of this, when I was 8, I was already so stressed out with life I was contemplating suicide. We moved away from everybody I grew up with for this time, transferring me into a new elementary. I picked up smoking cigarettes the minute I learned about them(when I was 8) and still do, because I got addicted really early. I was also introduced to marijuana about 6 months after, and picked that up as a major habit about a year after. My mom and step fathers didn't know at the time, but later after so much trouble my mom gave up and let me at 15 because she realised I was already addicted, but I liked it. When I transferred to this school, I met a new friend who would always get picked on, such as I would. He almost had every same symptom I do, and I think that was why me and him connected so well. I got kicked out at the age of 10 multiple times from my step father, and went to his house. His mother was aware of my step father, and was always in constant contact with my mom, and she knew that when I came over claiming to have been kicked out at that age, I wasn't lying. I always felt like I was intruding whenever they let me stay there, even though we were so close. They never minded, I think I was just really shy then. Me and this newfound friend went and smoked cigarettes and pot almost everytime we were together; and that was more than everyday. We graduated from that elementary later, and my mom gave birth to my baby sister. I have other siblings, but they didn't ever support me or try to help growing up, but I'd always be the first to go help. Even through all of this s*** that was going on, I still put on a smile and tried my best in everything I did, all little to no avail. When I did turn 13, my mom picked on on my habit and was absolutely livid. I understand why, obviously now, but at that point she was so cold towards me I DID try to kill myself on several accounts. I tried to hang myself with a belt in my garage, and the board it was on snapped. I tried again and the buckle broke and flew undone. I jumped off of the 5th story parking lot at the mall near my home at the time, and landed in a small tree that broke my fall and I broke a couple toes. I tried to go as fast down a asphalt paved highway on a bike with no brakes, and almost successfully did, but woke up in the hospital in a body cast. Road burn, cracked my head open (had to get 48 stitches in my face with 3 dissolving layers of stitches and metal outside for the 4th; 12 on each layer) and almost every bone in my body was fractured or broken. Later became very angry when I made a full recovery, but anyway took it as a blessing, until my new best friend stopped texting and responding to my messages. I didn't think much of it, but I soon would come to his house knocking. His mother opened the door, and just the sight of my face was enough to make her cry. I didn't understand what was going on so I asked if she was ok, and she just waved me into the house. she sat down, and tried as calmly as she could to tell me that my best friend just died to a brain toumor sitting in his brain that made him have a deathly seizure on his mothers bed, foaming up from the mouth. After I had processed what the hell I just heard, I ran into her room, ans sure enough, there he was. He was lying on his back, and his eyes staring lifelessly toward the wall opposite to the door I walked through. I ran over and saw the fresh foam still dripping from his open mouth, and saw the blue fading more and more as time went on. I went into the backyard, puked multiple times, then walked home crying. By the time I had got home, I wiped off my tears and tried to compose myself as best I could, which worked for whatever reason. I remember lying in my bed that night staring at the ceiling, wondering if anything I'd read in the Christian bible were true. I never went to church, but gave Christianity a chance, because I had always marked it off before I went. I attended for a while, got baptised, whatever, then started reading the christian bible and became fully blown atheist from my own reasons, which didn't help my already more-than-average depression. Right now in life, I still can't come to terms with anything in my life, and I still haven't even hit my 20's. Art and music had a huge play in altering my mood and mindset of life, and recreating those emotions into a physical manifestation. Anytime i'd be down, I'd try to look away from the knife and just throw my earbuds in and draw. Doing so has honed my artistic abilities, but with my disorders, it made me a perfectionist. It was a good thing too, because I'd be sitting in my room after school drawing everyday, and sitting there for more than 10 hours on a single art project, I found, was a fantastic way to escape reality. I'm extremely passionate about singing and rapping, so I have also been in the progress of trying to get pitches, timing, and pronunciation correct. My brother and I were never close, he'd always push me off before even talking to me until as of lately, from his newfound interest in music, and he wanted to display that to me after 13+ years of silence between us. They're relevant to each other because it was music that made him finally at least talk to me. My cousin and I were never close either, but we learned that he was musically talented as well. We vowed then, after countless aleepless conversations, that we would do SOMETHING with this talent together. I got my GED, and had a full-time job for a 2 week period, then quit because the team was even more s***ty to me than my brother. They even cut my hours, pay, and undermined me 24/7 after lying about not knowing my age then. I know damn well that when I gave then my ssid, birth certificate, id, resume, cover letter, application, and 2 hours of orientation papers I signed with name and dob, that they'd know how freaking old I am, for god's sake. Anyway, months after my brother, cousin, and I madr that vow, they already started breaking it. I now live far away from any friends I once knew in the past, and my brother and cousin at this moment i'm writing, are in the room next to me making beats. I have tried talking to them, giving opinions, even collaborating, and still they give me a cold shoulder. My baby sister is here too, but she's still to young to know right from left, and my mother is even more cold to me than everybody in the house combined. I have never once intentionally hurt anybody in this house, and still never will, but they take that as an advantage to undermine me and be their slave to the letter. They try to display to absolutely anybody they come in contact to that I'm a liar, when I have only lied in matters of life or death. Obviously i've done minor kid bs lies when I was younger, but I was taught not to lie, so I don't unless lives depend on it. My mother knows I will do anything she asks of me, too, because she's the one who gave birth to me; but takes advantage of it anytime she can. I'm sitting in my room right now, and at this point I don't even want to kill myself because I know that at any point in time I could die, and in all honesty I welcome the moment. Do not worry, I have no more intentions to harm myself, and have even less so to harm others. I am extremely pacifist, and will try to avoid a fight almost every time, even though I know I can win most of them. I do not find pleasure in harming others, and it has always blown my mind as to how people could be so black-hearted with no regrets. I know that i'm a guy and all, and a young one too, but I believe that any form of life is precious, and none of us, or other life forms should have a say in weather one lives or dies. No human had any right to play God, and I don't even believe in one. The majority of people I have encountered though life, have been extremely inhumane, and the ones that weren't insane usually died a helpless silent death. Everybody, and everything deserves a chance, and none of us have the right to take away that first bit of innocence, or any as a matter of fact. Life, in every way, shape, and form is a beautiful gift and reminder of things could be worse, and we should protect and indulge in this beauty before we have the chance to regret it. Yes, I have regrets from the past that I have no control over, but yet I'm still trying to cheer myself up and look forward onto the horizon of literal infinite possibilities, making the future a place where our children actually want to live in, and support. We, as a race, can not do this to any extent, unless we can abandon our selfishness and closed-minded consciou, and enjoy life as a whole, instead of trying to fix the little things. If it works, then enjoy it, because you never can know when it might not be there.

My name is Ethan Carolus, and yes, this is a true story. I really hope that I brightened up someone's day, because even though s***'s hard in life, I always try to look on the bright side. I really hope that someone reads this and makes them put the gun down, because I know how hard it is to do so. I don't look for pity or attention, I just want people to become more aware of how they impact others. I know it's fun to squish fire ants on the sidewalk, but try to switch shoes and ask yourself how it'd feel.

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